My Body's Terms of Service
Please read the following agreement carefully. By waking up this morning, you have already accepted it. You did not click anything. You did not sign anything. You opened your eyes, and that counts. Welcome back.
1. Acceptance of Terms
You agree to these terms every single day, retroactively, the moment you regain consciousness. There is no decline button. There was never a decline button. The one time you went looking for the decline button you found a heat dome and a nap instead.
2. The Service
Your body provides one human, operational on a variable basis. The Service is offered "as is" and "as it feels like today." Uptime is not guaranteed. Performance may differ sharply from the version that ran beautifully last spring, and from the version your friends appear to be running, and from the version in your own memory, which is also subject to these terms and may be unavailable.
3. Changes to the Agreement
We reserve the right to modify these terms at any time without notice. A day that began as "fine" may be updated to "fog with a chance of couch" by 11 a.m. You will not be alerted to these changes. You will simply discover them, usually while standing in the kitchen holding something, having forgotten why.
4. Privacy Policy
Your pain will not be kept private. It will be shared, without your consent, with the rest of your week. A flare on Tuesday may be distributed to Wednesday and Thursday at no extra charge to anyone but you. Certain symptoms may also be visible to third parties, who reserve the right to comment, "but you don't look sick," which is not covered under any warranty.
5. Fees and Billing
The Service operates on a prepaid energy plan with no balance display. You may overdraft at any time and will not find out until the charge clears, typically around two in the afternoon. All overdrafts accrue interest in the form of flare days. Refunds are not available. The vault you were told exists cannot be accessed, and the teller will shrug if asked.
6. Acceptable Use
You agree not to do too much. "Too much" is not defined in advance and will be determined after the fact, by your body, at its sole discretion. Activities that were acceptable yesterday may violate the policy today. Examples of possible violations include a full grocery run, a long phone call while standing, and being delighted about something for an extended period.
7. Maintenance and Downtime
The Service requires scheduled downtime, which it will schedule for you, often without asking, often during something you were enjoying. Attempts to skip maintenance will result in unscheduled maintenance, which is longer, less comfortable, and tends to arrive at the worst possible hour.
8. Limitation of Liability
Your body is not responsible for plans canceled, words lost mid-sentence, items left in other rooms, or the sock that is only sometimes too loud. Your body is not responsible for the version of you that promised to be somewhere on Saturday. That person agreed to terms they could not read.
9. Termination
You may not terminate this agreement. You may not switch providers. There is no competing body accepting transfers at this time. Customer service is available around the clock and will place you on hold around the clock.
10. Entire Agreement
This document constitutes the entire agreement between you and your body, replacing all prior arrangements, including the easy one you had in your twenties that you did not even know was a deal. Continued breathing indicates acceptance.
By scrolling to the bottom, you confirm that you have read, understood, and resigned yourself to these terms.