The HR Department Inside My Body
I run a small company of one, and the staff is impossible. I cannot fire anyone, I cannot hire replacements, and the whole team reports to me while also being me, which makes the annual reviews awkward. Here are this year's evaluations, conducted with as much professionalism as I could manage from a couch.
Energy continues to miss deadlines and has stopped giving notice. Output is wildly inconsistent: brilliant one morning, gone by noon the next, with no pattern management can identify. When confronted, Energy blames the others, blames the weather, blames last Tuesday. Energy was given a clear schedule at the start of the year and has treated it as a loose suggestion. Recommend a performance plan. Energy will ignore the performance plan.
Does Not Meet Expectations
Memory remains, after several decades, "still onboarding." It cannot reliably locate basic files, including names, plans, and the reason I walked into this room. It will, however, surface a deeply embarrassing moment from 2009 instantly and without being asked. Memory is not lazy, exactly. Memory is just filed by a system nobody has access to, including Memory.
Promising in Patches Unsearchable
Pain has excellent attendance, which is the problem. Pain shows up to every meeting, including the ones it was not invited to, and dominates the agenda regardless of topic. It communicates exclusively at full volume and considers "urgent" the only priority level. Pain has never once taken a sick day. Management has begged Pain to take a sick day.
Catastrophically Exceeds Expectations
Stiffness does the bare minimum and does it by the door. It refuses to relocate, declines all stretching initiatives, and responds to most requests with the workplace equivalent of standing very still and waiting for the request to give up. Reliable, technically. Cooperative, no.
Present Immovable
Management Summary
As the sole member of management, I would like to note that I did not choose this team, cannot replace this team, and am contractually bound to it for the duration. HR has reviewed my complaint about HR and found in favor of HR. The company will continue operating at reduced capacity, indefinitely, with no plans for restructuring, because the building is the staff and the staff is the building. Meeting adjourned. I need to lie down.