My Pain Reviews Local Restaurants
People think I pick restaurants for the food. Cute. I pick restaurants the way a building inspector picks them, and the food is maybe the fourth thing on the list. Here are my honest reviews, rated on the criteria that actually decide whether a meal is worth what it costs me.
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Stunning views. Brutal everything else. I arrived already spent and sat down with nothing left for dinner.
Park right out front. A deep, soft booth that held me like it knew. Mediocre coffee. Did not care.
Loud enough that my nervous system filed a complaint before the menus arrived. Hard backless stools at a tall counter.
Soft chairs with arms. Quiet, but not the watching kind of quiet. The bathroom was close. I would marry this cafe.
The Gorgeous One on the Hill — ★☆☆☆☆
Stunning views. Brutal everything else. The parking lot is a quarter mile from the door and uphill both ways, somehow, so I arrived already spent and sat down with nothing left for the actual dinner. The chairs are sculptural, which is a word that means "no back support and proud of it." Lovely soup I was too wrecked to enjoy. The view is for people who got there with energy to spare. One star, and the star is for the soup.
The Diner by the Water — ★★★★☆
Now we're talking. Park right out front. Three steps to the door. And then, the hero of this review: a deep, soft, broken-in booth that held me like it knew. I could have stayed for hours, and I did, because getting up was optional and the booth understood. Mediocre coffee. Did not care. The chair is the meal. Four stars, would collapse here again.
The Trendy Place Downtown — ★★☆☆☆
Loud enough that my nervous system filed a complaint before the menus arrived. The lighting was either off or set to "interrogation," I genuinely could not tell. Hard backless stools at a tall counter, which is a hate crime against anyone with a body. The food was good, I think, if you could hear yourself chew it. Two stars. Bring earplugs and a back.
The Quiet Cafe Nobody Talks About — ★★★★★
The unicorn. Soft chairs with arms, the kind you can push yourself up from with dignity. Low lighting that was warm instead of dim. Quiet, but not the watching kind of quiet. The bathroom was close, which is its own five-star category that no review site tracks but every one of us does. The food was honestly fine and it did not matter at all. Five stars. I would marry this cafe.
A Note for Restaurateurs
If you want my business, and the business of everyone who eats with a body that keeps score, I beg you: a soft chair with a back, a short walk from the car, a noise level under "airport," and a bathroom I can reach. Nail those four and your soup can be average. I'll be a regular.