My Body's Maintenance Manual, Written by Someone Who Never Met the Machine
I found a maintenance manual for my body. It was written by someone confident, thorough, and completely unfamiliar with the machine in question. They have never operated this model. They may have seen a brochure. Here is what it says, with my notes from inside the machine.
-
"This unit is a standard human and responds well to standard care."
Operator note It is not standard and it does not. The author has clearly never been inside this machine. Admire the confidence; do not trust the brochure.
-
"For optimal function, simply get more sleep."
Operator note Wonderful. I will simply override a nervous system that runs a fire drill at 4 a.m. The manual does not explain how. It has never lain awake in this machine listening to the static.
-
"Have you tried yoga?"
Operator note Yes. The manual sounds sure that yoga is the missing piece, as though I have been lying here for years and never heard of stretching. The manual is the eleventh person this week to mean well.
-
"If the unit is tired, push through. Performance improves with effort."
Operator note Pushing through does not improve performance on this model. It writes a check the machine cashes three days later, with interest, in flare days. The manual has no section on flare days. The author does not know they exist.
-
"Try cutting out [whatever you mentioned last]. That probably cured someone's cousin."
Operator note The cousin is always cured, thriving somewhere on a diet that has nothing to do with my machine. I wish the cousin well. I would like the cousin to stop being cited as evidence.
-
"Stay positive. A good outlook resolves most issues."
Operator note I am often positive, which surprises the author. The machine does not run on mood. I can be delighted and still be flat on the couch by noon. Both things are true. No section for that.
-
"If problems persist, the unit is probably fine. Tests came back normal."
Operator note The manual trusts the tests over the machine. I am the machine. I am telling you the machine does not feel fine. The manual nods kindly and does not change a word.
Section 1: Overview
"This unit is a standard human and responds well to standard care."
It is not standard and it does not. But I admire the confidence of an opening line written by someone who has clearly never been inside it.
Section 2: Recommended Maintenance
"For optimal function, simply get more sleep."
Wonderful. I will simply do that. I will simply override a nervous system that runs a fire drill at 4 a.m. by deciding to sleep through it. The manual does not explain how. The manual has never lain awake in this particular machine at 4 a.m., listening to the static.
Section 3: Exercise
"Have you tried yoga?"
I have. The manual sounds so sure that yoga is the missing piece, the one thing nobody with this condition has thought to try, as though I have been lying here for years and just never heard of stretching. The manual means well. The manual is the eleventh person this week to mean well.
Section 4: Performance Issues
"If the unit is tired, push through. Performance improves with effort."
This is where the author truly reveals they have never met the machine. Pushing through does not improve performance on this model. Pushing through writes a check the machine cashes three days later, with interest, in flare days. The manual does not have a section on flare days. The author does not know they exist.
Section 5: Diet
"Try cutting out [whatever you mentioned last]. That probably cured someone's cousin."
The cousin is always cured. The cousin is a recurring character in this manual, thriving, somewhere, on a diet that has nothing to do with my machine. I wish the cousin well. I would like the cousin to stop being cited as evidence.
Section 6: Attitude
"Stay positive. A good outlook resolves most issues."
I am, in fact, often positive, which surprises the author, who seems to believe my machine is malfunctioning out of a bad mood. The machine does not run on mood. I can be delighted and still be flat on the couch by noon. Both things are true. The manual has no section for both things being true.
Section 7: Warranty Service
"If problems persist, the unit is probably fine. Tests came back normal."
This is the manual's favorite conclusion. The tests come back normal and the manual relaxes, because the manual trusts the tests over the machine. I am the machine. I am telling you the machine does not feel fine. The manual nods kindly and does not change a word.
I keep this manual around. Not for the advice. For the reminder that the people writing the instructions and the person living in the machine are not the same person, and never were, and that I get to close the manual whenever I want and listen to the machine instead.